Effective communication is one of the most important differentiators between a vital team and a toxic one. I dedicate a lot of time in team interventions to the skills of communication because it’s more likely that team members are in tension because of poor communication than because of malicious intent. That is, most interpersonal conflict on teams comes from misunderstandings.
There is plenty to work on when it comes to communication.
- How to make your intent more transparent
- How to speak so people will stay open to your ideas
- How to ensure your body language is congruent with what you’re saying
- How to listen for the feelings and values underlying the description of the facts
- How to validate your interpretation of a message
…and on and on.
But here’s something we don’t talk enough about: How do you interpret silence?
I was inspired to write this post by a couple of recent experiences.
Silence equals agreement?
A CEO and the VP were talking through some impediments to their effective communication. The CEO volunteered that when the VP was silent, he assumed he was aligned. It turned out that the VP was feeling steamrolled by the CEO and his silence was in deference and not in agreement. This was a costly misinterpretation the CEO admitted he had made often.
Out of sight, out of mind
In a session with a different organization, the President was behaving badly; criticizing the conversation his team was having and even complaining about the process we were using. Only several hours later did one of his team members admit that he had been keeping silent to punish the team leader for his juvenile behavior. The team leader laughed and said that he hadn’t even noticed.
How do you interpret silence?
What is your assumption about the silence of a team member? Do you make the same assumption for everyone? Or do you interpret silence differently from different people? From the introverts? From the extroverts? From more junior people? From more tangential members of the team?
Think about your own interpretations of silence. Then challenge yourself to think differently. What if you’re wrong? How would you behave differently if you knew that your teammate’s silence masked frustration or a sense of powerlessness? What if their silence was intentional and aimed at boycotting the conversation? What if it was a good predictor that your project would fail because of covert resistance?
The best way to understand silence is to ask about it. NOT with a patronizing comment like “Soooo, you’re awfully quiet.” First, try something gentle. “We haven’t heard from you on this issue.” For most people, the social pressure of calling out their silence will end it.
You can also be more direct. “We haven’t heard much from you today. How are you thinking about this issue?” Alternatively, you can say “I don’t know how to interpret your silence,” or “I’m confused by your silence.” If you think there’s something particularly sensitive going on, you can ask these questions privately outside of the meeting.
Regardless of where or how you ask, listen very carefully to how the person responds. What do they tell you with what they say; with how they say it; with what they don’t say; and with their tone and body language?
Conspicuous silence contains as much meaning as any other form of communication. As with any effective two-way communication, you need to be aware of the impact that communication is having on you and you need to validate the message you are receiving with the sender.